The truth about infertility after I became a mom

I wrote a previous blog about some of things I wish people knew about infertility. The first thing I mentioned deserved its own post to unpack it a bit more. The biggest misconception I hear about infertility is that the struggles and pain must go away after becoming a parent. That can mean finally getting pregnant, adoption, becoming a step-parent or a number of other ways. The truth is that my pain around infertility has nothing to do with being a mom, and everything to do with physically being able to bear a child.

I’m a strong, confident and independent woman. I tend to take life for what it is and try to do the most with everything I’m handed. I’ve always believed that the only thing we can control in life are our reactions to situations. It’s hard to admit that ten years after becoming a mom, I still struggle with feelings about my infertility. For those wondering, I simply had no rational and safe options for getting pregnant. I was lucky to get that determination only a few months after starting to try. We moved very quickly to adoption and perhaps I never had time to deal with my loss until I actually was a mom. We get asked about our timeline a lot, so here it is:

July 2008 - started trying to get pregnant
September 2008 - met with fertility doctor for testing
October 31, 2008 - stumbled upon an adoption workshop
November 2, 2008 - laparoscopic surgery that determined I wouldn’t ever get pregnant
November 3, 2008 - decided to adopt and started looking at our options
January 2009 - paperwork done and active with agencies
March 2009 - failed adoption
April 2009 - welcomed our son to the world

So if you do the math you will see that we actually adopted quicker than a typical pregnancy had it worked the first try. Kind of crazy. Not normal. And most certainly gave us no opportunity to deal with my infertility feelings. Or perhaps that was the way I dealt with it. Push it aside and take control.

Over the past ten years I’ve gotten to be a mom just like every other mom. All the ups and downs of parenthood. But there are still days that are hard. Most of it surrounds my medical issues. There were obvious reasons I couldn’t or shouldn’t get pregnant. At twenty-eight those issues made themselves apparent through pregnancy. In my late-thirties in has meant a lot of other physical ramifications. It meant my migraines became so extreme for two years that I questioned whether I could even hold a job anymore. I hid it well and that became emotionally overwhelming. It means that my doctors got scared that I had uterine cancer earlier this summer. I don’t. It means that I will be on hormones for the next 14 years and we still haven’t figured out what my body will tolerate. It means that I once broke down in the office of my (old) OBGYN when she asked me to describe my child births to her.

Every now and then there are these reminders that my body isn’t normal. That it doesn’t function properly. In those moments I get angry and it triggers memories of every piece of hurt that has been attached to infertility. And then I feel guilty. Because I AM a mom. I have a wonderful life. Everything I have dealt with so far is treatable and manageable. If anyone has figured out the secret of letting go, please share with me. For now, I allow myself to feel what i’m feeling and then I move on. It normally comes and goes quickly and I have finally given myself the grace to know that is okay.