We had The Talk and it brought me to tears
Reposted from a recent Instagram post that got quite a bit of engagement. Thank you to those who reached out and shared in candid conversation about this. I continue to strive to figure out how to create a safe environment for us to have these types of conversations in person where all feel comfortable to engage.
Parenting is the most rewarding part of my life. But it is hard. Harder than I expected. Parenting a boy of color can be excruciating. And like many parents, we have struggled to discover the secret to raising compassionate, driven people.
In the past week we’ve had two very difficult conversations with our kids. Ones I never wanted to have with a 9 year old boy that still holds my hand and asks me to cuddle him to sleep. We decided long ago that when our kids ask hard questions, we answer them.
First Conversation: The Talk with my son. Where I explain what to do or NOT do when a police officer wants to talk to you. Explaining how he will sometimes have to act differently than his white friends. He’s almost as tall as me now. We had the hoodie talk. Leave it off your head. No more games with pretend guns. All that I never wanted to think about, but must to protect him. I had an interesting follow-up conversation with a friend over the weekend. She knew she needed to talk to her daughter about race, but she wasn’t ready to take away her innocence and explain all the horrific realities of our world. I told her I understood. I didn’t want to do that for my children either, but I didn’t have a choice. If I don’t have those conversation it could cost him his life. For us that innocence left two years ago when Trump was elected. The day after the election my child came home crying because kids at school were making fun of her saying that Trump hated all brown people. My heart ached and still does.
Second Conversation: How to handle violence and conflict. Last week in our school district one 9th grader shot a 10th grader over bullying, and fear. We knew that they would hear about it at school and decided to make sure they heard our message first. What to do if you see a weapon. Hear about a desire for violence. Are scared, sad, angry. Find yourself being a bully. Just please know how much you are loved and talk to us so we can solve together. The one question my son asked? “What color skin did they have? Was it one brown and one white?” On the surface, the second conversation had had nothing to do with race. Until that question. And I realized he is already starting to make associations around race. I could see the wheels turning. I wonder where that is coming from at such a young age.
To all my whites friends who are still reading, thank you. I get asked a lot about what you can do. I challenge you to really spend time making yourself uncomfortable and listening. Ask questions. Show interest in learning. Not just reading or liking social media posts. I have very few conversations about this with my white friends. I imagine it is because people don’t know what to say. And don’t want to say the wrong thing. I get it. But it feels very strange to have close relationships where this is never brought up. It makes it feel like I should be ashamed. Race doesn’t define our family, but it is a major part of our daily life. I couldn’t imagine having a friend with a blind child, and never discussing the impact it has on their family. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, my black friends have really embraced and supported me. Constantly reassuring me that I’m doing a good job, sharing their personal stories and even offering to be there for my children when I need it. How do we break down these walls so we are all supporting and understanding one another?
The panel at the Missouri History Museum, left to right, Christi Griffin, Marlowe Thomas-Tulloch, Traci Blackmon, Riisa Renee Easley, Kimberly Norwood, Assata Henderson, Amy Hunter, Leah Gunning Francis and Carol Daniel.
CREDIT PHOTO BY WILEY PRICE, PROVIDED BY THE ETHICS PROJECT
If you are truly interested in learning more and discovering how to be part of the solution, I encourage you to read this NPR piece from 2014. Black mothers, talk to a diverse room of mothers about their experiences. The most poignant part for me when I first read the piece was challenging white mothers to understand they are raising their white kids. The audio summary of the session is less than a 3 minute listen. I’d love to replicate this idea in Charlotte. What a wonderful way to start the conversations.
A black leader in the NC education system told me to write a book. I’m not there yet. He said “You can say things as a white woman that we can’t. You better do something with that." For right now, I’m telling everyone that the responsibility to have The Talk shouldn’t be resting on the shoulders of black parents. Whether you realize it or not, we all have a role to play in changing this dynamic.