The Real Reason for our Roadtrip

I’m going to open up and be completely honest about what was behind my decision to take off for the summer with my kids on this roadtrip. I haven’t been dishonest in my reasons, but it wasn’t the full story. To be fair, I don’t think I understood my reasons until about halfway through the trip. So here it goes. 

The basic explanation I gave before (wanting to take advantage of the flexibility with my work to spend time with the kids) is still totally valid. But here is the backstory.

Until two years ago, I worked a very traditional and somewhat stressful corporate schedule. Since graduating college in 2003, it has been that way. I was really lucky to be given opportunities that constantly advanced my career path and was a stepping stone to the next. While I always imagined being a mom, I also always planned on working. When Holden was born, I took the normal three month maternity leave and didn’t have a whole lot of guilt going back to work. 

The timing wasn’t the best and the recession hit our real estate industry significantly. I worked with my company and decided to start 2010 working part time - allowing some relief on both of our sides. It was the perfect solution. But that changed on December 30th when we got the call about Rory. We had depleted our savings to pay for Holden’s adoption and my income would now be cut in half. I had to find a fulltime job in order to pay for her adoption. So I did. 

While my new company had wonderful maternity benefits, they wouldn’t be available to me until I had worked there for a year. Rory was coming sooner than that. So when she arrived, I used all of my accrued vacation (2 weeks) to fly out to Salt Lake for the birth and adoption. Two weeks later, I was back at work full-time, with a newborn and 13 month old at home. For the first time I was feeling guilt and resentment. You do what you have to as a parent to provide for your children. That first year with two kids was a blur. I don’t remember her first word. I feel guilty about that. 

My career continued to advance. I was recruited to a new company and given my dream job. I had finally figured out how to combine all my passions. I was pretty good at it too. It was with a national company that required me to travel more and more. During one of my first trips I was at a luxury resort, pinching myself at how lucky I was, when I got a call from Josh telling me he was at the hospital with Rory. She had fallen out of a tree at daycare (I know) and cut her head open. She was okay but they were having to put staples in. I felt like I would puke. The guilt started and never ended. For the next four years my work trips continued. Josh traveled occasionally, too, but not with the same frequency. I did it because I was dedicated to my profession, my company and my colleagues. People were counting on me. 

In February 2017, my world came crashing down. My position was terminated. They no longer needed me. The emotions flooded in. Anger, Embarrassment, Fear, Sadness, Regret. All of it. I am a fighter and quickly figured out my next move and started my own company. These last two years have been the best ever. I’m so fortunate in many ways. But what I realized while on the road, is that I had a lot of unresolved feelings around my career. I resented the sacrifices I had made. I was viewing my termination as a personal attack. I had given so much of myself and what had I gotten from it? I was angry that someone else had put a value on me that was less than what I knew I was worth. Even after my new success, I was still angry. 

So my epiphany? I decided I needed to take back the control and change the narrative. I hadn’t been cast off, I had been given the chance to live a life I had always wanted. They had done me a favor without even knowing it. I started telling myself to be thankful. Very few people are given this kind of flexibility and opportunity with their children. I intentionally started training my brain to think differently and come from a place of confidence and appreciation. 

The confidence grew over the summer as I had to count on myself to figure things out. When our bumper broke in the middle of Las Vegas, I had no choice but to get out my toolkit and just do it. When I didn’t feel safe at a camp location, I had to find somewhere else for us to go late in the day. When I got us lost in the desert and we ran out of water, I had to get us back. 

I realized that the root of many of my unresolved feelings was a lack of confidence and fear that I wasn’t enough. As my confidence built, so did my ability to accept joy. I had a LOT of time to sit with my feelings and think while we drove this summer. It is going to take some time to fully process everything from this trip. I can’t wait to share more of our journeys and start planning the next big one!